Today’s Opinion Is Ours – Worth seeing: Women’s use of ambiguous language as a hidden source of power. Adam Grant’s thought-provoking piece on gendered language in the workplace
It’s hard to believe we’re already in the middle of summer! I hope your summer gives you some time off and some focus.
Today’s Opinion Is Ours
It’s been 10 days since our two month stay in Oaxaca, a much smaller city than Mexico City where we started our nomadic journey. Unlike the hustle and bustle of CDMX (22 million people), Oaxaca is beautiful and quiet (just 700,000 people) – with a concrete sheen that transports you to another time and a calm, carefree quality – while being very real and accessible.
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We found our grocery store, favorite neighborhood cafe, plaza, rooftop bar and restaurants – and even exchanged numbers with another family at our playground. In his second week at a local preschool (Spanish speaking – his first), our son Rumi is getting up and learning new Spanish phrases every day – including yesterday.
More to come in future newsletters on roaming life hacks and especially how to make it all work with a toddler. As always, let me know if there are specific questions you’d like me to answer – on any topic.
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Have you come across this article? Do you find yourself using conciliatory or “weak” language at work or in negotiations?
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I know I do. As someone who grew up mostly in Asia (in the Philippines and India), I find that I tend to do this more often than people who were raised entirely in the US or other individualistic societies.
I remember a scene at a restaurant in Manila where we wanted a certain dish that was no longer served that night. The tendency to not want to contradict ourselves was so deep that our wait staff would gently suggest that we order something else because it was better – we never heard the words “no, sorry, this product is out of stock”. This is an example of how deep the cultural tendency to want to delete and avoid crude conversational elements can be.
In fact, speaking this way was so ingrained in me that in the early years of my career in the US, where it is much less of a cultural norm, I consciously tried to improve my language at work to sound more assertive and decisive.
So this was a fascinating read for me – to think that instead of having to learn all over again, using this kind of language is actually adaptable for women (and others) in many contexts.
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Grant provides compelling evidence that conciliatory language is a clever adaptation that women can (often unconsciously) adopt to be more persuasive and likable at work while operating within gender norms.
Speaking this way is therefore a “strategic advantage” and “incalculable power” for women who master it, according to Grant –
When I shared this article on social media, among the responses I received was from Geo Custodio, whose journey as a non-binary, transfemme Filipina was featured on
Ms Custodio said: “As a trans person who is in a gender gray area… I find myself using this type of language almost exclusively. I wouldn’t call it “weak” as I am very conscious of how I use it and why. I prefer to call it respectable language. I use it with both men and women, superiors and subordinates.”
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She emphasized the strategic value of using language like this to enable greater differentiation, saying, “It makes everyone feel heard and part of the conversation, and makes decisions feel like a consensus rather than a directive.”
Of course, as Grant is also quick to point out, gender stereotypes hurt anyone who violates them—for example, boys who are seen as “addicts” earn less as adults.
The ultimate goal is to eliminate once and for all restrictive gender norms and stereotypes—and thus the need to adjust our tone and words to who we are and how much status and power we inherently possess—to achieve our best goals.
In the words of Nikki Belt on social media: “But what if we didn’t have to [do this]? What if we could speak our minds, engage in meaningful discussions, and get on with our day?”
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What do you think about the implications of this article? When have you noticed that you use convention? How did it support or detract from your goals and what did you notice about how others reacted to you? As always, find previous editions of Ask Dr Devika B here. We want to hear how people form different opinions on different issues – be they social, political or political – and why.
How did you form your opinions on various issues? How did you come to the views you hold?
As with all Make Shift cafes, this is a non-negotiable. It’s simply about UNDERSTANDING each other’s views on the very important issues we face today – rather than debating them. It’s not about convincing each other or arguing with each other. It is not about deciding who is best or who is worse, who is right or who is wrong, who is good or who is bad. It’s about finding common ground.
Hopefully, everyone will take away practical tips and tools to use in their own conversations with people who think differently than they do:
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Sam Shain is a local musician who plays with Scolded Dogs. He teaches English at the Maine Academy of Art and writes frequently on social and political issues.
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